Baby Rhea

Ashley, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. These are the kinds of stories that keep us optimistic!

---

Baby Rhea by Ashley Rhea

For what seemed an eternity, we struggled to have a baby. Every time someone asked when we were having a baby, we’d joke, “Never!” Or “in a few years”. In all reality we’d been trying, only to fail each and every month.

Finally we had our oldest daughter. She was everything we could have ever wanted. As she grew, people in their typical fashion began to ask again when we were going to have another. The 2nd time was so much easier. It happened the first month after stopping birth control. I was so excited. Kenzie had been asking for a sister since she learned to talk.

I scheduled my first appointment and marked each day off on the calendar. All the plans I had of telling each and every family member, friend, and even my residents at the nursing home… all to be ruined. I couldn’t keep it a secret from my husband. I told him after I had gotten 3 faint positives and then the big bright positive!!! He was just as excited as I was. Confident that this time was a boy!!

I felt this baby start to grow. But just as quickly as I had found out, I learned the loss as well. I started to spot. Something I hadn’t experienced the first time. I calmed myself with “oh it’s old blood… it’s just a spotting… it’s not abnormal.” Soon it was very apparent that this was a miscarriage. I called the doctor. He saw me. He came in and told me the news. Asked me to do a blood test to determine my levels and see if maybe, just maybe my baby would be okay… after going home, I held onto hope that it would be okay. A call from the doctor and those infamous words of “I’m sorry.” The numb feeling and coldness coming over you.

As I was already bleeding, he told me he preferred I let it happen naturally unless complications occurred. I don’t know that watching pieces of your baby come out or having the procedure would be easier. The pain was as great as could be.

I told my husband I never wanted to try for another. Telling family was hard, but how do you keep that secret that you lost a bundle of joy that you were so excited for. The awkward reaction of people who you tell. You aren’t looking for sympathy. You simply want that baby to be recognized as they had existed. Healing is hard. It’s been almost 2 years and I am now expecting another little girl. She is due 3 days after the day of our loss of Baby #2. She will know her big siblings. Even if one is no longer here.

I still think about that day and the days that followed. Trying to maintain a normal routine. Continuing to go to work, only to break down in the bathroom multiple times a day. Asking several times, “Why? Why me?! Why my baby?!” Thinking nobody out there will understand. Being jealous or even hateful when others announce their 3rd or 4th baby’s arrival.

Here’s my advice: Don’t give up. Don’t forget. Don’t apologize. Don’t stop loving. And most importantly don’t let anger fill your heart.