When I was younger, I didn’t want kids. I can blame it on my mom making me watch “Baby Stories” on Discovery or having so many cousins around all the time. But I think it was really that, I didn’t think I could be as good of a mother as she is. My mom crushes it. I was a surprise that came when she was 18. After helping raise 5 younger siblings, she didn’t think she wanted children either. Whoops. For her and my dad being so young when I came along, they did the most amazing job. There were rarely questions they couldn’t answer and hurt feelings they couldn’t make better.
Fast forward some odd years, and I met Austin. Children with someone else never seemed like a good option or something I even wanted to consider. But this guy comes along and all I can daydream about is him teaching our future babies about space, science, Star Wars, how to cook, how to survive in the wild.
So since our miscarriage, how do I answer when someone asks if I have children or if I’m a mom? In my heart, I am 100% Patience’s mom. But she’s not here to show off to the world. Does that make me less of a mom? If we have a viable pregnancy, will I have two children then or just the one that people can meet? It’s a painful, confusing place to be in.
If there is anything I want people to take away from this entire blog, it’s that you don’t always know what someone is going through. Please be careful when you ask questions about children or tease about why someone doesn’t have any yet. You might be picking at very painful wounds.
When You're Not Sure What To Say 
To answer your question, yes, you are a mom and the answer to the question “do you have kids?” is also “Yes”. Currently, you are a mom of 1 and hopefully in the future, of many. The loss of your child does not make you less of a mother; you are now, and always will be, a mom.
I have a friend who was open about her losses, who, when asked how many kids she had, said “I have 4, but 2 died in the womb”. I was surprised at the time with how she expressed it so honestly and openly (I was much younger and these things weren’t really talked about) But thinking about it I realized how healthy it was for her to be able to speak about ALL her children and express her loss of the 2 instead of having to pretend nothing happened and that she only had the 2 kids you could see.
I wish this wasn’t a hurt that you and Austin had to experience, Jerrica. My heart breaks for you both. But I keep you both in my prayers and hope that you find healing and peace.
Hugs!
Becca
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Thank you so much for the kind words, Becca. I hope it gets easier for everyone to talk about with time. It’s very healthy to keep talking about this, and Austin assures me he’s proud that I can’t shut up about it. 🙂
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Thank you for creating such a beautiful blog. I suffered a miscarriage one week ago and have just posted my story on my blog. It’s therapeutic to be able to talk about our loss. Hope you are doing well.
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Ours was in April/May so we’ve had some time to start our healing. Writing about it helps. I hope you’re surrounded by love and doing well.
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